V is for Vipassana

God and Vipassana...

The struggle is wether my attendance to a second Vipassana course will lead me astray from God now that I have found a stronger conviction in Him since my first course, and since arriving to Australia. As I reflect on my first course...and how I arrived to Hawaii two days after I finished the course...I remember what I felt as I got off the plane, and looked upon my old homeland...the question in my mind that had been burning there for a decade: "Is there a God?" was answered for me....I touched down in Hawaii right after my 10 days of silence...and I said "Surely there is a God!"

 But still I struggled afterwards...I now knew there was a God but the relationship was no where near where it is today, (Thanks be to God, to my friends and the family I have made here)...

It was the other day that the thought popped into my head...I was getting out of the shower when all of a sudden just out of NO WHERE...I got it in my head that I should take up 10 days of noble silence when I get to New Zealand, before saying goodbye to Australia and heading back home to America. I wrapped my towel 'round my body, grabbed my clothes, and rushed to my room. I open my computer, and I started pray: "Please God! Let there be an open course!!" In my experience, they get booked quickly, but sure enough, in New Zealand, there were open courses with dates that fit into my travels perfectly. Never ONCE did I ever think that this would be displeasing to God. I feel like meditation, and noble silence is obviously not speaking, but rather, listening. And that's a good thing I'd say. Most people would find it difficult to get through the day with out saying something, much less get through a day or for some folks, a conversation without looking at their phone or computer. We are in a place of constant stimulation and interaction. What better place to listen to God than a place that offers, FOR FREE, a haven to observe noble silence, and learn the technique of focusing on the present....and learning to quiet the mind, and meditate. I understand that this is a practice of Siddhartha, now referred to as "Buddha." And I think with a lot of Christians...they hear a name of another religion, and I feel a lot of the time, anything associated with that, one must stay away from. I have a hard time believing that God has created us so uniquely, so differently, for us to stay in our own boxes that we have built for ourselves.

That is not the God I know. I believe we are meant to explore...and as long as we stay steadfast in our faith in Him...we wont be wavered...we will learn what we learn...and we will apply it to the relationship.

Anyway, I was praying about wether I should attend this Vipassana course again (which I've just got accepted into)....asking for an answer...I mean genuinely, with everything, asking for an answer. I just needed to know if He would really be displeased...

And this is how it works (as I've observed it) : I pray and God answers. I don't think Time is at all to God what it is to us...so He answers it in His time. His timing on this thing I was praying about...was pretty much right away for me. And He just answered me in this form....through the one man that truly feel in my heart....the holy spirit lives within. Cos if that man don't have God....then I just don't know what...
Mr. Stevie Wonder.

I know that sounds ridiculous but I feel God will speak in the language we understand best to get across what it is He wants to. And by way of Music, sure enough, I felt a peace about the answer I prayed for...

I started to look up why it's conflicting, to love God and practice Vipassana. I didn't even get through the whole message that this one person wrote...I just saw the words "Transcendental Meditation" (which is, I'd say, is a shallower form of meditation than Vipassana). At those words I stopped and turned on Stevie Wonder's "Jesus Children of America" <--- [go head and listen to it while you continue reading] <3

In his 3rd verse he says
"Transcendental Meditation,
Speaks of inner preservation...

Transcendental Meditation
Gives you peace of mind..."

Let me just say that when I made the decision to walk away from God, it was because I attended a school that told me Stevie Wonder was not acceptable music to listen to...and I thought: "But that man is LOVE....how can you tell me this is not pleasing to God..?"

This man that sings of Love, of GOD, and of life...and with those gifts!?  Composing, and writing his songs...and with that Voice!! Not to mention his talent at playing pretty much every instrument.....and he's BLIND! I'm sorry but those are gifts from God...and Stevie knows it...and we all know it.

And here God set Stevie Wonders (Gods funny that way ;) ) song right in front of me...I think this was Gods way of telling me...you go to that retreat....you challenge yourself....you quiet yourself...and I'll be right here...speaking to you in the silence.

I think people think this is something I am skipping and hopping toward. No.
No.

Do not be mistaken...this course is the hardest thing I think I have ever accomplished in my life. And I have no doubt the second time around will be JUST as hard....except that I will have the knowledge this time that YES ...it will be over soon haha! But this isn't something that is easy...that is fun...it's hard...it's flippin hard...and it hurts...and it's challenging....but as with most things that are hard and difficult and challenging...it is rewarding.

So with that...I will be attending this course next month.
Cheers.

Fathers Day Reflection

How I see my Father?

Well, for starters, I don’t know anyone who I agree and disagree with so much. For the most part, my father is right. I have said it before and I will say it again...a great majority of things my father has told me, most of which I heard but did not heed, was all true. But paths had to be chosen, and ultimately I was the only one who could choose them.  

I may not always enjoy his political views, or some views in general...I think it has much to do with his brash deliveries. That all aside, it is the innate and absolute honest ethic I see from that man, through his actions, and through his life, that I could not agree and aspire to be more like. The only “more” that I could give that feat, is to actually act/be like that. 

It’s a work in progress..

I learn too quick,
I apply too slow. 

I— his daughter, at my core, operate of Love. A sibling to six. A Writer, a Lyricist, a Feeler, a Thinker, a Musician. A Creative. A woman of two names, of sound and words, food and flavour. Dichotomy. Community. Of Laughter, of Joy. Touch and Senses. Vibration. Variety. Viscosity.  A Worker with Wanderlust, and a natural born Chiller. Cultured. Volatile. Empathetic. Hind-sighted. Hardly decided. Spontaneous. Stubborn and Resistant.

But my Father is a man of action. I believe at his core, my father operates with Care: it's dressed in work clothes and smoothed out with sandpaper. Tough. A Father of Five. A Farmer, a Sailor, a Carpenter, a Builder. A Sports-man. A Speaker of several Languages. Traveler. Diligent, Dedicated, Determined. Smart. Sensible. Focused. Funny. William, a Worker, Weathered, and Wholesome. Vigorous. Tasks are completed. Always ready, always prepared. Forward thinking. Decided. Calculated. Stubborn and Persistent. 

To be born of such a seed, I say Amen!

For of it came NEW life. Change. Differences. Conflict. 

But at the core remains Blood, Roots, and Resolution. Love. 

To my Father: William Velasco, 

You are both a good man, and a good father. 

I love you, 

Happy Fathers Day. 

Lex

That Moment When You Nearly Drown To Death...

Today I went to grab a cuppa at the beach with a man called Peter, who I met a few days ago after the Monday Nite Jam, and after coffee we made our way to the beach, chatted for a good hour before deciding to take a bit of a swim. 

Now the last time I was at this beach, famous Bondi Beach, where they have a show called "Bondi Rescue" after this beach, someone on their surfboard swimming pass me said: “Are you okay?” and I remember thinking that was so weird… like yeah, I’m just swimming. Granted, the tide is pretty strong, but I got this dude. I remember coming to shore and telling my girlfriend Serena that I had a bit of a rough time getting to shore…but it didn’t really phase me. 

This time Peter and I jumped in, and as usual, I dived right in and swam and swam around. …we had a nice time swimming around for a second and then I noticed I had drifted quite far from him….but I didn’t really mind…I was there to swim in the ocean, and we’d meet back up on shore. The waves were pretty big and the current really strong but…nothing I haven’t seen before, I thought . . .

I was very...very wrong.

I floated on my back for a little bit after I drifted from Peter, and a man came by on his surfboard and asked “Are you okay?” …I thought to myself “That’s weird, that happened last time too..” I started to wonder if I look like I’m drowning when I swim. How come every time I come here to swim a surfer asks me that. Do I look helpless? I take a bit of pride in how well I can swim…the last person I challenged in swimming (and won) is a 6’3’’, very fit young man. How a semi-overweight 5’5’’ young girl could beat that? Yeah, only growing up in the ocean will do that I reckon. I’ve never been worried in the ocean except for when a rip curl takes me under, or for possible sharks. But as for swimming around in it…naaaah….but never again will I ever take her power for granted. I thought I had a pretty healthy respect for it….and now I know I do. 

Right after that gentlemen paddled on, after I told him I was just fine, within seconds, I looked out for Peter and saw him on the shore. He looked very very small….it was one of those head tilt moments...those..."Wait huh?" -- and I realised I was VERY far out from shore. Then, the wave before me lied flat as it reached the shore…and I saw just how much water lay between me and safety. I thought to myself “Wow, I’d better swim back in” ….So I began to swim…and swim…and swim….and swim…and swim... and I looked up again only to see that Peter did not appear any closer, and that I had not made any progress. This went on for a while. . . because I was caught in a full on rip-current. 

Imagine a little human just stuck in that. No thanks. 

Because I did not see the designated flags where people should swim, and did not know enough about surfing...it didn't at all seem odd to me that I was the only one swimming around freely where only surfers with board were paddling out. This is why two surfers swam by asking if I was alright, because it was a zone where no one should be swimming without a floatation device.

Now, I know that you're meant to move parallel but...I just felt like the whole rip was HUGE...it felt like no matter where I went I was being drawn out by the current. I started to have a little bit of a panic attack. I've never been caught in a rip current before...and I know that many swimmers that do get caught in them, they drown. My feet keep shooting down to reach for sand, only to be met with water to work with. I am now in this realisation that I am so very very far from shore, and not at all sure if anyone even realises I’m out here. I begin to swim again, and fiercely now because all that is on my mind is getting to a place where I can at least get my feet in the sand. As sore as my body is, I am giving it everything, but of course, to no avail…and helplessness sets in. I had just completed a very long work out not 24 hours prior, and my body was a bit sore from it…and now I'm trying to fight the ocean. Yeah, okay. You can't even do that as an olympic swimmer...basically you cannot ever beat or out swim a rip current. A statistic states: "A Strong rip current moves at 3 feet per second, which is as fast as an Olympic Swimmer in a 50 metre sprint"

At this point, I start to really really panic now as I realise that if I don’t get to shore soon, there were two fates that lay ahead. I will either drift out very far...which meant out to where Sharks are...and that I would have to swim the equivalent of a dozen or so olympic sized pools to get back...where sharks kick it. No.

 It was either that, or I was going to drown. I am so exhausted at this point, I can’t swim any harder than I already am, and I’m breathing heavy. I am breathing heavy not from only fighting an exhausting and futile fight, but also that I'm sort of full on panicking at this point. They say that is what kills most swimmers, is that they go into panic mode and breathing just becomes really really hard. As this realisation sets in, I again try my damnedest to at least get my feet to hit some sand, moving right, left, forward, but this rip current was pretty big. I was after all swimming in the surf. I’m swimming and kicking and I am at this point just at my end here, I can barely breathe, my mind is boggled, and just as I begin to vocalise to myself my panic (by repeating “holy shit, holy shit!!”), a huge wave dumps on me and curls me under, hard. 

It’s all slow motion. The impossible has just happened. I was barely making it above water…taking in tiny little bits of air, and now I am under it all, and curling in. Immediately I open my eyes and for what felt like forever…all I can see is water…is current…I think I was feeling that if I was to die right then, I was not going to shut my eyes to the reality of the last moments of my life. 

When I went under,  I just thought to myself I need to stay calm enough until I stop curling in, to then make my move up to the surface because I NEED AIR NOW!

My second thought was "Dear God, please not today!"

My other thought through out all of this: You smoke too much-- if you make it out, you really need to reevaluate your addiction to tobacco. I could feel the weight of every single cigarette I've ever smoked as I was swimming for my life out there, completely out of breath. 

I pleaded in my heart that He would keep me, because I felt surely I was about to die. 

And just as I thought that, with every last bit of energy, I flapped my arms and kicked my legs to the surface…with my hair plastered over my face, I arise GASPING …hair getting sucked into my open mouth. But what little air did get through that curtain of thick wet hair, was all I needed. 

Just then, I saw a man on his board a bit a ways from me…I looked at him but couldn’t say anything. I just kept trying to keep myself up over the waves and going toward the shore…I kept saying “holy shit!” out loud as I paddled. I know. Not the best way to go out if I am to go out, but it was sort of like a “This can’t be real! Is this real? Are you serious?” I just couldn’t think of anything but the fact that, even though I was dead-set on NOT dying…there was this huge part of me that sort of told myself “Well, it JUST might happen…so just be prepared” It was like half denial and half acceptance…and such a moment of my life. 

I kept looking over at this guy, but I couldn’t bring myself to say or holler anything to him. I didn’t know if he was going to swim past me or not, and for the life of me (literally) I could not bring myself to say anything. I just kept looking and looking back at the ocean in front of me, trying not to collapse. I knew I needed to stay calm but when you're at the mercy at something SO powerful...It was like being in the jaws of a lion...and just knowing that at any moment....it could be your last. I should have continued to swim parallel or at least just tried to drift out but the fact was, I was caught in such a strong current, and really far out. Even if I did let myself drift...I'd still have to kick my feet against this current under me, to keep myself afloat. 

So no I am in full on panic-mode (Which is NOT at all a trait of mine…I don’t hyperventilate and do all that), on top of the fact that I had been fighting this current for a while, I am at the absolute end of my rope and I am just needing something to hold on to— I swear, just then this surfer is close enough where he can pus his board toward me. He does so and tells me to “Grab the board”...it was the moment of my life, my God..I just remember saying “Oh my GOD, Thank You!"

Another man on a paddle board came out to meet us and and told me to get on it, as I was getting on he asked me “What are you doing swimming out here?” …I told him “Sir, I don’t know!”…I had nothing to say for myself…. We soon got close enough where I could put my feet in the sand; I found this out after he told me to lie down, and as I went to do so, I fell off the board hahaha….Peter told me later they all had a bit of a giggle over it on shore. Which made me laugh too!

But yeah, then he just told me to walk directly to the right and head out to shore. 

As I got on shore, the other lifeguard said “Miss, you need to swim only between the flags— did you not see that sign there? No one can swim here!” He points to  sign near by which…was not at all near where I started swimming. All I could do was say I'm sorry and I'm grateful!

Never have I ever thought I was going to die, the way I did in that moment…the last time I felt anything close to this was when I went FA-LYING over my handle bars in the middle of a street, on a blind turn. I could not breathe when I made impact with the concrete, and I just kept thinking…if I don’t move out of the middle of the street, some car could come zooming around this corner and run me over….I knew it at the moment, and I was a little scared, as I couldn’t move for lack of breathing for nearly a minute…but in the back of my mind, I knew I would be okay…At least a car could maybe hit the breaks quick enough or something. I was at least on solid ground...

What happened today….there was no, "once I collect my breath, I can make it to safety." Even with all the breath I had in me….I could not get out from the water. God bless that Surfer man! Peter told me he had never seen the tide turn so quick before…

In all my years playing in the ocean…My God, neither have I. 

But then again, I don't usually swim where I'm surrounded by only surfers. Sometimes I don't think too good man...

Australia, the country…is INCREDIBLE. The raw earth here is ….wow. A reckoning force man. 

So the lesson learnt here is if there are flags on the beach...SWIM there....and if you every ever ever get gripped by a rip tide . . . swim parallel if you can. If you can't, don't fight it....just drift because you WILL exhaust yourself and if there is no silver surfer or anyone around..you'll lose man. And dude, if you notice there are heaps of surfers around, and they keep asking if you're okay, take a hint man. I was so blinded by the fact that I was such a "Great swimmer" that it didn't even occur to me there is probably a strong current here which is why all the surfers are out, and NO swimmers are. Ridiculous.

::Pornography/Meaningless Sex: Why I Think It's Harmful::

I understand well that Pornography is a humongous market, in which (I believe), the majority of our population has ventured into, or actively remain in. It is natural to grow up in a culture that promotes, and distributes it so freely, to become curious as to what it is about.

I was 5 years old the first time I witnessed a pornographic image. Before witnessing this, I was already aware of sex and at a young age, discovered my sexuality-- but that certainly expedited things. To this day, I am a very sexual being. That isn't to say I have sex with a lot of people, on the contrary...but I am aware of myself, my body, and my sexuality. I have been told by several people throughout my life that I exude it at times. I learned at a very young age how to speak without speaking. And when as a preteen, I grew into a woman body, a task I was not meant to take on for many years...I ease of speaking silently came all the quicker.


When I became a teenager, I began to look at porn, and though it was not often-- it was often enough.


By the age of 19, and for a few years after that until I met the latest love of my life, I associated sexual promiscuity with empowerment. I eroticised complete submissiveness with being sexy. I bought into the idea that women were objects during sex and that every nasty awful action or word was to be taken in stride, and in fact, encouraged. I think many young girls have found that as well.

A young girl actually posted had this photo taken, and posted it somewhere....
and it is now forever on the internet...this breaks my heart

Mid way through my nearly 5 year on and off relationship with a man I will love and support until my dying day, I made a promise I would never have meaningless sex again. I had discovered what true love in sex was....I had discovered what sexual activity with a man I so deeply connected with...to the CORE of my soul, felt like...and what it meant to me in every aspect of myself. One day, during the "off season", I struggled with myself and my value as a sexual being, and called up an old hook-up. My relationship with this man was NOTHING but sex. We didn't really speak, nor did we really care about one another. I never asked him how things were or the like, and he never asked me.

I called him up that day; I was, and permitted myself, my being, and my body, to be objectified in the most insensitive and unsensual manner. Almost immediately after we began, I regretted it, but felt responsible to finish the deed, or rather, have the deed finished. I had not learnt at that point to say "No."  Now I know, at 25, when I decide to engage in sexual activity...it will be because I have thought about it long and hard (pun intended). But seriously...it will have been well thought out before I accept the act of allowing another human to enter my body. Just because I am sexual, does not mean I have to manifest that through sex. One can be absolutely sexy and sexual while abstaining from random or meaningless sex...You're not a winner or conquerer or some sort of vixen if you get him into bed...he wants to go there already. 

I walked out of his house, down the street and later that week, cried and became disgusted with my self for weeks to follow. I had become out of touch with my body, and my senses. I felt I had been violated-- and the worse part...was that I had done it to my own damn self.

Since then, I renewed my vow to myself to never ever ever have meaningless sex again. Never ever engage in any sexual conduct with someone I did not have a connection to aside from primitive attraction. If I could not deeply connect with the person, intellectually, spiritually, humour-wise, etc--I would not allow myself to go there. And since then, I never have, despite the many men and many chances that have been brought to my table of sexuality.

I have also vowed to never sleep with a man with whom I would never be okay procreating with. Contraceptives aside, the possible byproduct of having sex, is pregnancy. And God forbid I:

1.) carry a mans child with whom I do not intend to spend my life with (marriage or otherwise).
2.) Abort a child who I knew was a possibility for the actions I took. If ever I become pregnant through consensual sex, it is my responsibility to own up to that. (This is not a narrative on abortion-- I have no qualms with those who DO choose that route. This is for me personally). 

I found that through watching porn...I could not properly fantasise as I used to before I had viewed an array of it-- and I have a VERY wonderful, explicit imagination!! But I found myself bombarded with these images...entering my conscience, and telling me what was sexual. Most of it involved submissiveness and objectification.

I found that through porn, men have an expectation of how sex should go...or what I should look like or how I should behave...and what is okay for them to do (and not do i.e. be sensual, touch, kiss, laugh, feel connected).

I think that porn has a very very very shameful affect on society. I feel it inspires a level of aggression that should not be alongside sex. And I think it perpetuates our misogynistic, and rape culture.

I don't find masturbation a problem, whatsoever...I think it is completely natural...but porn is not at all necessary in facilitating that. If ones imagination cannot extend so far that they cannot properly find relief without pornography...then it's time they go outside, or read a book, or paint a picture. If one cannot perform such a natural act without the aid of a video or image that is so very very degrading to women...or glorifying of men and their cocks, they need help. They need a real relationship...they need laughter and comfort, they need sensuality, they need a real lovers touch.

Porn not only allows men to look at women differently, but it develops a complex with their penis. Porn not only allows women to look at themselves differently, but develops a complex with men and their penis'. It's not just the size or the motion of the ocean...it's the connection. It's the human interaction that we have, by way of pornography, taken out of the equation. It has corrupted and perverted our minds, and our reality on one of the most real, mindful, emotional acts a human can take...especially a woman. A woman who is to be penetrated...a woman who lays down and allows this sex to be put inside of her.

The pen is mightier than the sword...

Women are already internal creatures, both emotionally and physically. I think it is sad when women go out and sleep with random men because they think they will find comfort, or because it's "fun" or because they find it empowering to capture a man with her body, rather than her mind....her intellect, her talents, her goals.... (Like this role model, Malala Yousafzai)



It allows men to become disconnected with a woman in that way too. She is there now to make sandwiches and lay down on command...

The argument is that a little porn is harmless. But everything we consume, be it through our mouths, our ears or our eyes....every little bit has an affect. You can't tell someone who is on a strict diet that a little piece of chocolate cake is harmless...sure, if you're willing to work out for 2 hours to erase the affect.

Imagine what more it will take to erase the affect that watching 10 minutes of porn a week, a month, a year. Something so in your face, and that solicits such a reaction...is not piece of cake to be worked off in 2 hours.

If you do watch it...ask yourself why? Ask yourself how it has affected your fantasies...Sure it's created new ones, and you've probably grown accustomed to them. Isn't it a challenge to be without? Don't you feel more connected to be without? If that sort of thing is not important to you..then there is not much I can say other than I hope you find another way.


Sex is so intimate and such a passionate act...that I prefer solitude than sex with someone I barely know. Even if it is someone I am deeply connected to, I do not wish to make that a focus. Sex complicates things. It changes the dynamics...and I for one would like to know what it is like when sex is not on the table. I for one would like to keep someone around because of the person I am, and not because of what sexual satisfaction I can provide. I think fasting is a beautiful idea, and fasting from sex for a year...should provide so much more than sex with someone who is not to be my partner forever, could do.

I challenge you to reevaluate how you look/view sex...as a human, as someone who respects themselves, as a person with dignity...what does it mean to you?

Please, feel free to share your thoughts on the subject matter!

"Here is the truth, so now you can hate me."

"Here is the truth, so now you can hate me.” One of my favourite lines from the movie Closer...

Lately I've been going through another growths-spurt, bowing in humility of all the things I did or said in pride...learning through experience that I don't know if people understand me who I am sometimes. Usually these clarifications are done in an effort to clear the air, to shed positive light about oneself, to make certain you are being understood in the manner in which you would like to be...

This is not that post. This is rather, a post about certain truths about me you may not know, or may not know that I know...and they're some of them ugly. Among the many discriptions put upon me in my life as an entertainer and a natural extrovert (which somehow always opens the floodgates to judgement-- good and bad), these are the top 8 words used to describe my personality:

Wise
Positive
Funny
Confident
Stubborn
Talented
Lovely
Open Minded


These are mostly wonderful words, they are not words I chose that I think people think of me...these are words of many people I have come across in my time here on earth..

And the truth is...these are all traits I aspire to be...and the other truth is, I do not always live up to these. I accept these wonderful words, and despite my reception, I continue to fall short of them, while still letting those flags wave...

I feel like a lot of the time, I would like people to see those traits in me, raised at half-mast...because it sets me up to leave no room for error. Except for being stubborn!

Here are some truths I will give to you, that may dispel my wisdom, my positivity, my humour, my confidence, my talent, my loveliness, and my open-mindedness; and I’m okay with that.

:: I speak up before I really should. I think I have all the information, and know of what I speak...but I don't a lot of the time. I jump the gun and make bad judgement calls.

:: I'm actually a snarky bitch. My love for reason, logic, and respect becomes clouded sometimes with that little hood part of me in the back of my mind, saying something to the extent of: "dis biiiiiiitch...."

:: Speaking of dis bitch....you know the term "No she didn't!"....yes....yes I did. #iwentthere

:: I will suggest one behave a certain way, because that is the way *I* would. Now...my intentions are good...because these are ways that I have found work for me. When I hear someone complaining about the littlest thing, I tell them something like "just don't react, it'll pass-- in the grand scheme, it's not a big deal" and while that is constructive feedback, sometimes people don't want that. I am not one to not speak what I feel is right...but I know sometimes people just need to get it out...and I have to let that go. 

:: I struggle with people who cheat on their partners. Despite the reasoning...I have a hard time with it and it's not for me to have a hard time with.

:: The flip side is, is that when I FIRST started dating Tim, we were just getting to know one another...but we were very much "together" (It sort of just happened from the moment we met) 

About a month or so into it, an old love of mine...I mean, I had a FIRE for this man-- anyway, he invited me out after work, and I ended up kissing him. We laid together in the same bed that nite, but we just snuggled, being the boy he is, he pushed for something further and while I had always desired that with him...I could not bring myself to do anything but kiss him, and he was very respectful of that.  In the morning I told him I just couldn't...that for years I wanted him, but now I found a man that was falling madly in love with, and that I thought my budding relationship with him deserved a chance (best decision I've ever made).  That was the very first and last time I have ever done something anywhere near cheating. While I don't suffer any regret, as it was a relationship that I already had a bit of comfort in, having known this other man for years now; I do suffer a bit of guilt...even though it solidified just how much I really believed in my relationship with Tim, I hate that I let myself taint my record, over the boy who was the reason I actually met Tim. (He stood me up, and so I decided to go to a house party with a friend...and boom: TIM!)

:: Sometimes I like to get ready to Iggy Azaleas "Murda Bizness" . . . because I'm an alpha female.

::I believe in God, I love the Bible...but I will probably always listen to some rap songs that are pretty ridiculous (like Murda Bizness) ....and I like to swear. And I enjoy the ganja. (which isn't necessarily against the Bibles teachings at all, but it just doesn't seem to be popular in the Christian community).

:: I believe the Bible is an amazing book-- but I have a hard time taking it literally. God, who created this infinite world of possibilities, who created us each with all this unique expression, wants us to take ONE book literally. He wants us all to believe exactly the same way. Not when this book can be sold in stores by man. And not when I see it constantly used as a place of power and not faith. I will always live in my relationship with God....and not by the rules he may or may not have inspired for another generation of people. I will always allow the Bible to guide me though. It is my self-help and guidance book.

::I'm not literally "racist" as I don't believe that some races are superior to others, but I guess I'm a culturalist...that is to say there are some cultures I don't really like and, frankly, could name a few that I think are better. If I can be honest here.

:: Among my brown and "tan" friends, I use the term "White People Shit." ...this isn't toward white people as a race....as a skin colour...when we say white, we mean the behaviour. I understand that if white people said "that's brown people shit" ...well..we'd be okay with that I think...but I understand that if white people said "That's black people shit" ....you'd probably get shanked.

::Yes, I do double standards

::Yes, I think that a healthy lifestyle, self reflection,  acceptance, and having God can heal depression. I feel this personally because my way of dealing with that was taking a sharp point to my skin and cutting it open, feeling the pain, and watching myself bleed. I never been so sad in my life and I never intend to go back ever again.

:: Yes, I can shop at goodwill/bargain hunt better than you

:: I can't date a dude who loves heavy metal the way I love soul, jazz, funk, or hip hop. 

::In that same vain, I can’t date a man who is Godless. 

:: If soul music  doesn't do anything for you, chances are I won't trust you. I will base my whole judgement on wether you are trustworthy, if you don't like or enjoy soul music. #sorrynotsorry

:: Yes, I believe a woman should know how to cook and clean...not that if you don't, you're not a woman...but I think that something we should be able to accomplish (Men as well honestly).

:: Yes I think a GOOD woman cooks and cleans, and doesn't give lip to her man. That's not to say that if a man was talking shit, she should just keep quiet. But a Good woman would know to pick a GOOD strong man.

:: Reverse wise, I think a GOOD man doesn't talk down to his woman ever. He holds her when she needs comforting and puts his foot down when she is out of line. Most of all, I think he RESPECTS and ADMIRES her.

:: I feel that if you are convicted, WITH PROOF (DNA, Confession...) of raping someone, you get wiped out.

:: I feel that if you molest or rape a child, you should get wiped out.  

:: Yes, I think that being on unemployment for 2 years is bullshit. I know many people who have done it and I've loved it for them, but I don't think it is what should be allowed in our country.

:: Yes, I think that welfare should be granted for 6 months (with exceptions to extentions), and in that time, you get your shit together and find a job.

:: If you don't WANT to work for the man, you don't just get 2 years unemployment to do whatever you want. That is for YOU to fund. You find a job or you become an entrepreneur. 

:: The truth is, I believe women and men were NOT created equally. I am all for equal respect and to be all treated fairly but when it comes down to it...at the tangible level, men are a different beast from women. Women are internally what men are externally.

:: Yes I believe that weed is a far better substance than Alcohol and should be decriminalised

:: I believe that how you view the world and other people in general, it is a reflection of self.

:: I personally, for me, would like some brown babies

:: Yes, I believe the majority of History as we know it, is bullshit. #HISstory

:: Yes, I believe that evolution exist. And I think you can believe that and God simultaneously.

:: Among all my huge and wildest dreams, being a mother, a wife and a family woman is at the top.

And these are some of my truths.
Cheers xx

Fears--Conquered!!

"May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears" -- Nelson Mandela

*****

In my 25 years...I have definitely conquered fears...I have definitely got into situations that instilled fear...and I feel I overcame them...but it was a matter of necessity.

I remember when I was 5 years old...maybe 6...when I was horrified at the thought of going on any thing at the fair that exceeded the scare-level of the swinging boat-- at least that didn't even get close to going upside down.

Myself and my sister Camile.
Circa 1991

 I'll never forget...my beloved sister Camile...I idolised her, anything she said, it went!Despite being scared to all hell; She convinced me to get on her favourite ride: The Highflyer. I'll never forget the look or the name of that thing...Basiclly you're in a cage and it flies up high and around...basically you go upside down. I remember being strapped in and those safety bars coming over my shoulders, and the reality of it all set it. I had a full on panick attack. Camile laughed and laughed and told me to take it easy. The ride started and the understanding of my non-existent escape came upon me and you know what? I LOVED it. But I did not go on my own accord...I was game...I overcame the fear until the moment of truth and I completely freaked out. Had I not been strapped in-- I would have walked away at the last second. 

 A week and a half ago, within the span of 48 hours, I conquered two fears. The first being jumping off a ledge into a pool of water I could not see more than 2 feet beneath. Before I moved to Australia, my friend Jessica took me to Lake Washington to jump off the diving boards...I barely managed to dive off the kiddy dive board...I have a healthy fear of not jumping into literal pools or caves or anything of which I am unawares of what lies beneath. Quite the opposite for figuratively speaking...

I told Foreste if she jumped, I'd jump...

About 15 minutes later...I finally did

Pretty sure I was damn near crying...I was so happy!

Another thing that happened right before I moved to Australia was my opportunity to hold a snake... a really small one....it was a pet of Tims roommate...and I stepped up...just as I had to that ride 20 years before...and right at the last minute...luckily for me I was not trapped into holding this snake haha...I did what I would have done back then, decide at the last minute I just couldn't.

Not this time...about 48 hours after jumping off that ledge near that humongous waterfall, I was holding a python around my neck!! I backed up because I knew the guy giving us the reptile show, was producing a python...but as he was holding it... I felt drawn to this diamond back python...I walked up slowly and put my hand out to the snakes head...and let it slowly slither on to me...

and just like that...

Allowing my irrational fear to disappear...

....aaaand gone. 

I've decided from now on, my choices will reflect things I hope for...not the things I fear. I've always wanted to overcome these fears..and so my action..my choices reflected that hope-- and I am so happy I did it.

My prayer for us all, is that we ALL will do thus. And my message is that you CAN!! That if you hope for it...but are afraid to take the steps...know that you CAN take those steps...you just actually have to do it...and you will see the things you've hoped for...are absolutely within your grasp.

I promise you...the more and more you say yes to hope and no to fear...the more and more you make those difficult leaps, bounds, even baby steps...the easier they are to make. Gotta start somewhere...

You're incredible...no go forth and conquer!! :)

What I Won't Regret: 25 & VERY Single

Living on the other side of the world....where the constellations are different, because it's a sky some people on the north side of the globe may never get to see....it's an absolutely different world...and it's an absolutely surreal feeling.

Bon Fire on "The Ridge" looking out at miles and miles and miles of earth that meet the horizon.
It was a beautiful nite in Australia.
[November 2013]

In the last three and a half months living in Australia, I have seen, via facebook, pregnancies, babies born, babies grow, engagements, marriages, promotions, people moving, adding new dogs, new cats, new life....just....life happening while I live my slow days here in the country side of NSW, Australia...

I keep thinking about the degree I should finish, I keep thinking of the album I need to finish; I think about the 3 men who have propositioned me in the last year...believe me...being on facebook and seeing new babies every month...don't think I don't want to come home now and start a family with one of those men (well...with the one I truly love)...start a garden, tend a home, raise some babies....I do. I really really do. I REALLY really do...

But....at 25 years old... I'm feeling like I should have a child by now, or the promise of one in the near future, a husband, or a potential husband...a career...a potential career..an album....etc etc etc. Yet, at 25 years old, I realise I have all that I need...and I am exactly where I am meant to be; and in 25 years from now, I will hopefully be with children, going on grandchildren maybe, a career, a few albums....and most importantly the sweet memories of my independence....the memories of the worlds I have seen, the experiences I have had, the growth that can only come from solitude--especially from traveling alone...and of course, the comfort of no regrets. 

Riding Sampson, a humongous Clydesdale...

I can never get over how blessed I am that I have never been faced with the decision to keep or not keep a baby...I will never get over the fact that I have already had so much time in my life spent in solitude....alone...growing absolutely separate from another and having to face the pain and anguish it took to do look life in the face, standing alone, not leaning on a partner or even a sibling. I know so many people who have always had a partner with them or just always with someone, with child, with sister...and I although I wish I had that somedays...I am so and forever grateful that I learnt to be alone. 

I will never get over the fact that at 25 years old I am absolutely free, living in Australia with plans to continue travels over the next year (+)....with the plans to go around and meet men, women & children, sing to them, lift them, encourage them...make the difference I can make until it's time to come home and work on what I need to work on, so that I may continue, for the rest of my days, to make the difference I came to make. 

What I wont regret is that although the opportunity came several times to start a family...I will never regret, even if I don't find my husband in this life, that I never settled. I am a passionate, intelligent, witty, poetic, musical, hard working, open, loving and spiritual being, who loves to cook, keep a clean house, talk philosophy, loves children, wants to change the world, wants to TRAVEL the world, always wants to learn, is excited about life, loves & respects God, has a passionate love for Stevie Wonder, and is forgiving & logical. I just need all of that and more from my husband....and my friend I tell you what-- NOT easy to find. 

And I know one day he'll arrive...He may have already and I just don't know it but...Gods time is perfect...and if I just live and let God, I know it will be all good. I am just going to carry on living my life--because I can't sit here waiting to be domesticated...like I said...as much as the inner old skool lady in me would love that... I have seas to cross and lands to chart..missions to conquer...and in due time...life will unfold as it is meant to do so. I think it's incredible that so many people are starting and having their family life....and don't think I'm over here like "YAY Travels!! Yay Single-hood" ..cos I'm not. I want that life...but I just don't get to have that yet and I'm okay with that :) 

What I would like to promise you all and mostly myself in the next 3 years is this: 

I will live a bit more in Australia and really get that experience in, get my health in order, get my album together, finish a degree of some sort, do mission/motivation work in NZ, Work with an orphanage in the Philippines,  and a tour in America....plus the Stevie Wonder Tribute Show....aaaaand a dodge ball tournament BBQ ;)

Life is so incredible and I just can't even believe it has been given to me....Thank you GOD...and thank you to each and EVERY ONE OF YOU who have been and will be a part of it. I love you. 

-V

G is for: God & Growth

In the last 25 years I have been a devoted Christian, an atheist, an agnostic...but always a child of a Maker we in the western culture like to give the name of "God" to.

I have been given the opportunity to live in Australia as a cook at a Christian Bible-Study Camp now for nearly 3 months...I have never studied the Bible or heard it interpreted as I have with these Interns who are here to study it and reflect on God for the duration of 18 weeks. They take it to a place that so many Christians dare not to. I  strayed from Christianity because it was too hypocritical for me, it was too harsh, too rude, too fake, too condemning...

Being here, I have seen these amazing people of God inspire me...liberate me in my belief, even if it is not the same way they believe, with their love and undying commitment to God...with their humour, with the fruits of their spirits TRULY being that of God...which is Love, and Kindness...instead of what I so often saw growing up in the Christian community...which was animosity, pride, and judgement.
When I first got to this camp...I committed to being the Semi-Bible Scholar that I already was...and that I'll just be a great cook and entertainer of these sweet folks here, that there wasn't much I was going to learn about God...but a few days in, I could not deny the fact that God was 1.) HERE and 2.) had sent me here for a reason...he had many lessons to teach me, and over the last three months, they have unfolded, and blossomed. It has been INCREDIBLE. Great...GREAT is Gods faithfulness...

[[A Brief History of the Journey...]]

When I was a young child, I was told about God...I was told about The Devil...I attended a few Sunday School days and was basically aware that God is the Maker of all things, He knows eveything, He is all powerful and that if you lie, you'll go to Hell.

At age 7, I was given a beautiful Bible, which I still have nearly 20 years later. I didn't know what to do with it, but I did LOVE to read, as I still do. I began reading...and reading...and soon, on Sunday when the neighbourhood kids came out to play, I snuck away for a few hours to walk down the path, over a bridge, that led me to a church service which served coffee and cookies. I mean, I'm not going to lie, I was pretty happy about the coffee and cookies. Somedays I'd attend the service closer to home. Sometimes with my sister, and often times alone. I've always been one so comfortable with solitude....it was no bother to attend a church of people I did not know, by myself.


When I turned 9, my older sister was sent to the Christian school up the street from our complex...she came home with so many songs, and things she had learnt. We discussed, we sang, we learned. Not to mention, we got in a lot of trouble...which was always met with having to do page after page from math books, or memorising an entire Psalm.

And at age 10, I was sent to a Christian school after moving to Hawaii...and there I found a burning fire for God. There I found a spirit...

At age 11, I started to stray as my body started to change...rapidly becoming that of a womans. After beating up on a boy who called me a slut, I was immediately expelled and sent to one of the worst public schools around. I went back and forth with keeping my actions righteous...puberty came, bearing a young womans hips, breasts, height, shape; carrying the residue of humility, shame, and pride. The next year, I was sent to another Christian school on another Island, back to the one I originally came from.

With a force like before, but so much stronger than I could ever have imagined, that little flame rose again, and higher yet! This Christian school was much bigger, much cleaner, and very very much by The Book. At 12 years old, I found myself so deep into The Word...so deep into it all...yet with the remnants of my rebellious streak...and enabled by my older sister. We were both sent away from the family we'd been a part of for so much our our childhood...and we became stronger yet. We had only each other.

I'll never forget listening to Stevie Wonder at that age, filled with so much joy and love...yet at the same time so much guilt. I had been told it was "worldly" and "secular" . . .NOT to be listened to as it didn't "Glorify God" . . . I think they misinterpreted a few verses there. All Stevie does with his music is Glorify God...with his talent, his soul, his spirit!! His light shines so that we may see the works of His Father who is in Heaven. I didn't understand this. How could something so pure...so incredible...be condemnable? My 12 year old impressionable self could not seem to get a firm grasp on the new things I was learning about The Bible...the new things I was learning about "being a good Christian", and how I always seemed to fall short of that standard.



My faith then shook fiercely as year 7 drew to a close..and off to Japan I went to yet another school...this one a Department of Defence school on a American Naval Base in Yokosuka, Japan. There, God escaped me...I went to many different churches, including Mormon...and He revealed himself here and there...and on occasion I prayed to this God I felt I no longer knew, asking Him to help me believe again...but by the time I arrived in Seattle 4 years later, the door was just closing as He was on his way out--in my mind anyway.

At one point in this time of disbelief, I even classified myself as an Athiest, going the extreme opposite of my earlier life...But throughout the years...even when I denied Him, I always called out to Him, to reveal himself, to open my heart to it again as I knew it was hardened. I didn't believe, I didn't even like God for that matter, I found myself angry at Him and His followers (and I still do sometimes), but yet...I still prayed on occasion...because although I didn't like God nor wanted God....I knew in my heart I NEEDED God. So I called upon God...and years later, my heart was opened once again.

I went from carrying my Bible everywhere with me, to working so hard to disproving it, and now I find myself in a happy medium...where I feel him there...where men have written so beautifully, have so poetically put into words Who God Is...What God is...and What it means to have God...

It's been an incredible journey so far...and I know it will continue to grow. For so long I closed myself off from the Journey...I didn't want it...it wasn't MY path...

Even after going home to Maui where I found God again...I still struggled...I simply just believed God was there again...I just went back to scratching the surface of the idea that God existed.

I know God heard my prayers, even when I denied Him...God heard me call....God felt and saw my desire for a God...for something greater than myself...God knew that I knew I could not and would not even try to make it on my own...I asked God to come, and God did....

I once again live humbled...I understand that I am so insignificant and that any gifts I have, any success I encounter...is all due to a being SO much greater than any one of us could imagine. Some call him Allah, Brahma, Jesus, Krishna, The Tao . . . I like the word God. I don't know if it is any of those I mentioned just yet....but I know God is God...and that's a good start for me. And although The Bible sometimes refers to god as Jesus or Jesus as God...and that the Bible is something I hold so dearly to me...I am still on that journey...I'm not totally convinced but we shall see huh? I continue to pray for clarity in the journey... the road goes ever on and on!

So cheers to the journey my friends!!! <3

-V.

H is for The Head & The Heart

"..is that bridge getting built? Are your hands getting filled? Won't you tell me my brother..cos there are stars up above...we can start moving forward..."


It's been years now since I crashed on the couch of the small downstairs area which belonged to Scott and Wes-- two amazing West Seattle Musicians who were kind enough to let me live with them for two months until I found a place of my own. That place ended up being one of the most wonderful and quirkiest houses I've ever lived in...so much character-- and located in beautiful Beacon Hill, one block away from The Red Apple.

I was so...sad...I felt pretty defeated but yet very strong...must have been my youth or something, I looked to each day with so much hope and so much excitement for life in general...everyday was new...because everyday was a struggle..with my conscience, with my financial situation, with my lover and with myself in general. It was Winter...and it was bitter...and it was sweet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GL9n1dLcT7k


I listened, every nite, to The Head & The Heart during that time...I was given this album by Scott...their independent album...one of about 10,000 before they got signed and re-released the album. I leant that album to some random customer who loved what she was hearing, as I played them (over and over) at the cafe, and I told her I needed this CD back...to go home and burn it and bring it back. She never did man...and Ooooh I hope she either still has it or passed it on!

So one nite around this time I'm at open mic...and this new bloke comes in...gorgeous tall man..with an epic EPIC dark beard and this beautiful head of hair...his voice is SO beautiful...it's so familiar...

I go up and I sing, and he tells me he loved my voice and we shake hands and make a little chit chat--whatever. It wasn't until AFTER he left, that someone told me "That was John, the singer from The Head & The Heart!"

It's so Seattle...and it's so everything I miss.

I'm sure my missing home the way I do has to do with living on a camp...seeing the same exact things everyday...it's pretty tough for a gal like me.

I dream almost every nite of Seattle or the people there....Oh man... I can't wait to see where I go in my dreams tonite..

All my love...

V

M is for: Morose in Melbourne

I should have taken it as a sign when I left my $50.00 hanging map in a book store, and ran back through the city of Sydney to retrieve it, praying I wouldn't miss my flight...only to leave that damn map on the train, on my way to the airport. I should have continued to follow the signs when I MISSED that flight and had to pay an extra $100.00 to catch the next one.

But I was going to see one of my DEAREST friends whom I have known for 12 years, almost half my life...whom I have spent Christmas with in 3 different places, 2 different countries and whom I intend to spend it with this December in a new country. The friend who I met when I lived in Japan...My Australian..Kylie!! Well worth it hey?

Ya...I definitely figured it would be worth spending, after planes, hostels, local transportation, and food (including spending $55.00 on smoked salmon and other sushi items needed to make veggie and salmon rolls, only to have been stood up not only by Kylies friend who was supposed to come over, but by my hosts, who opted to stay upstairs while I ate alone with a shit-ton of sushi), about $500.00 to see her 2 months early (instead of waiting until December). But man...I kind of hate to report...that it just wasn't worth it man.

I still don't know how rice got into the lounge room that I was told NOT to eat in...but it did...I figure it was on my shirt or house slippers or something...but I suppose that, and leaving some Tim Tam crumbs on the table the other day was enough for her partner to decide I had to find another place to stay. Funny thing was that I had suggested this when I was first told of the disruption I caused leaving Tim Tam crumbs on the table...but was assured that it was not a problem and to please, stay--only to be booted out a few days later.

I spent last nite at a really sweet Hostel called "The Nunnery" ...for $32.00 because it was the only place that could give me a bed at the last minute...in a room that smelt of messy boys and that I shared with about 9 of them. The one I am at now is only $20.00--wish I could have saved meself $12.00 considering everything is so damn expensive here and every dollar counts. Not that it matters after having spent so much damn money on everything else I wish I hadn't.

The good news is, that I met some great people while out in the City of Melbourne...and have connected with a lovely musician woman whom I hope to make music with when I am done at Attunga. And tonite, we will be going to another open mic...which I am well excited for.

Let it be known that I LOVE Kylie..and nothing will change that...but it's a pretty tough thing to swallow after having spent so much time and money for something I certainly could have and should have waited for. Had it been any other friend, whose partner I had to walk on eggshells for only to be booted out 2 days before I was supposed to go...I might feel a little differently.

I have never felt so alone...I have never been without family, and here I am...traveling with not even an iPod to keep me company...only memories...and songs I hear on buses or at the hostels...pictures, things I see, to remind me of those I hold so dear. I can't stop dreaming of home. Thank God for the writer in me though....ye good ol' ink and paper are my only solace some days.

Well that's the bloody update. I can't wait to get back to the camp....Good Times man...I'll be sad when it's over!

Cheers!

-V

25 Things I've Learnt & Think I Know...

1.) Walking:

I have learnt that to walk, you must put one foot in front of the other. I have learnt the power of not only physically walking, but spiritually, mentally, emotionally and morally putting one foot in front of the other. Some days it is easier than others when motivation or inspiration find us.  Know that inspiration does not last, and if you have momentum in your walk, physically or metaphorically, just keep walking (but DO STOP to smell the roses, and take in the scenery!) Sometimes you may come to a place where you swear you've been, or perhaps that makes you feel at a complete lost-- carry on. If you know where your destination is, eventually, you will arrive. I have found that in life I have often times wanted to run, skip, crawl, jump, skid, slide, and sometimes drag my feet to wherever it was I was supposed to be...and I have found a great peace and joy in simply walking...in enjoying the journey to the store, to work, the bus stop...to the feast of food for thought, to the pits of perdition, and through the valley, over the hill to redemption. Be it physical or metaphorical...go ahead and put one foot in front of the other...don't worry about the pace...

Probably around the time I was learning to walk.
With my Father on a Frozen Lake in Michigan, USA
*Circa 1989/1990

2.) Language:
I have learnt, in retrospect, if you are blessed to have parents from another country than the one you have been given, where they speak another language--learn it. Respect it, honour it and carry it to pass on. I, in my youth, did not do as I have just advised. I did however become more fluent than most in our native language, English. I applied myself to the grammar, the rules, the definitions, the antonyms, the synonyms--everything. Although I am happy I am able to help my folks or my sisters with their grammar/spelling...I wish I had focused more on learning the language of my parents than being a great speaker of English. I am only 25--and I intend to learn it now...but it certainly would have been much easier to have learned it when my mind was more absorbant and my state more pliable. If you do not have parents who speak another language, take it upon yourself to learn another other than your own. 

3.) Prayer: I cannot stress to you the power of prayer. I have always said, even if it is not to God or a God of some sort, even if it is to just put your thoughts, your hopes, your needs, out into the Universe...do it. Pray. It humbles you, it strengthens you, it forgives you, it honours, it makes you see, it makes you wise...my friends, it will heal you. Your mind, your heart, your soul, your body. To whomever it is you subscribe to...ask...for the Universe is Able...ask, and you will receive. Pray not only for things you desire...but for things you may need healing from...pray for forgiveness. What a beauty, what a blessing, that forgiving yourself brings...but that is not so easily done. So ask for it. Pray for it.

4.) Truth: I have learnt that it is not only our duty, but our salvation, to speak the truth: always. This is not some sermon from the Bible or some agenda...but it is what I have seen, and experienced in my time here on earth, amongst humans. They say that three things cannot be long hidden: The Sun, The Moon and The Truth. It is best that you speak it first...it is true what they say...the truth shall set you free. It is our humanity, it is our beacon...it is all that there is. Truth. We expect it...and we are to give it. You may not sound as cool or people may think differently of you, but you will be the coolest ever when you speak the truth...even if no one knows it.  Be LOYAL to those you love...be honest and truthful, even if it means you are going to hurt them...even if it means you are going to hurt you in return....the greatest wound to suffer would be that of a lie...that of untruth.

5.)  Speech: Do not put into the air that which is foul. Be kind, great, constructive, uplifting and at times, profound with your words. I am not saying speak always profoundly...but if you can help it, be wise with what you say. I do not say this because I am so wise and always say the right thing...I say this because I have been the opposite. You are responsible for your own words. What comes off your tongue, you put into the air....what you put into the air, just may come to pass....so be mindful of the words you choose. You cannot unsay what you have already said. In my 25 years, I have said some UGLY things....terrible things which I have had to ask much forgiveness for...from those whom I offended, and hardest yet, of myself. When speaking with others, do not simply wait for others to finish what they are saying....truly LISTEN. How can we know to speak if we do not know how to listen? As many things in life that I have found, one thing begets another. Through speech, I have manifested bad things by saying them, by speaking ill...on the FLIP SIDE of that...I have manifested amazing things by speaking amazing, and positive things...it's up to you my friends-- speak well.

We generate our own luck...with not only belief, but with our words...with what we put out in the air.
I not only wrote, not only believed but said in my heart and into the air that I would be moving to Australia.
Sure enough, I am now sitting in Australia typing this.
*2013

6.) Anger: I have learnt and now know that the first victim of your anger will always be your own damn self. You may think you're aiming to hurt another, but you're just hurting yourself. So think first, be slow to speak and slow to anger. Anger devastates all in it's path...in just the blink of an eye, the breath of one word...Anger could have desecrated an entire land of love. Not only does it damage the soul, it is harsh on the body...but it hurts those around you...and for every precious moment we have on this earth, that you spend angry...it is happiness you have just robbed from yourself. For those who try to anger you, it is up to you to let them. As humans, of course, it is highly improbable that you will not be angry when someone aims to offend you or deliberately hurt you, but always weigh your options, because once you also become angry, it has become a fight between the blind...and not a one of you who are angry will come to the light of what is true, of the objective...rather, you will walk blindly in the dark, knowing not what you stumble upon. Remember that to every action, there is a reaction. Their action may cause a reaction from you, but that action that you choose to display, will bear it's fruit...and when it is anger...you will most likely see it is rotten.

I think Maya Angelou said it the best: ". . .People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." So watch what it is you do with Anger,  whether it is receiving or outputting-- be sure to rid yourself of it as soon as you can. 


7.) Travel: I have learnt in what travel I have done...that you don't need to get stamps in your passport, or drive cross-country...the best way to travel if you are not able to physically travel is to find yourself out of your comfort zone....amongst people, religions, cultures that are unlike yours, and see it,  experience it...better yet, find a way to respect it. Accept it. If it is simply not for you, and there is no other way around it, than quietly go on your journey. I cannot stress how important I have found it to try on new glasses, to not just SEE new lands, not just SEE different cultures....but to try to understand it...to live in it. "When in Rome" they say, to "do as the Romans do"...simply because there is a group of people...who do thus. That is not to say to go and join a cult that is into mass suicide. We're talking within reason of course...it is up to YOU to use your own discernment, your own judgement, choose your own journey...for only YOU could decide such a thing.

Wanderlust. Living in Australia, volunteering at a Camp in NSW
August 2013

8.) Co-Dependency vs. Love: I have learnt, through heartache, through triumph...that the only "blurred lines" I would ever sing about...are those of co-dependency, and Love. I have found, in my 25 years, that people are co-dependent....they are ego-centric...they seek to fulfill only themselves...even if that means to give it all to another being--they then call this: Love. This is NOT love. Love is not self-seeking, Love is not possessive, it is not controlling, it is not quick to anger. I have learnt that love is self-less, it is giving, it is forgiving, it is sacrificial, it allows, it accepts, it is patient, it is graceful... Co-dependency is giving yourself completely to another....depending on them for happiness..when they are gone, you are full of sorrow, that is because you have not yet learned LOVE, as it truly is... and that, as everything else in our lives, begins with YOU. Anything you so desire, anything you seek, must start with you. We look for others to do it for us...to love us for us....to make us happy for us....I have learnt that,  yet again, only YOU could decide such a thing.

Where I learnt a great deal of what Love truly is, from this relationship, with this incredible man.
*Thanksgiving Eve, 2010

9.) Respect: Respect yourself. Honour yourself...you and YOU ALONE....are the only keeper you will ever have over your own body, your own heart and your own soul. Respect that. Respect that by respecting not only yourself but even further, by respecting others. To respect another, is to respect yourself. In turn, to respect yourself, you will no doubt respect others...as you will know and understand the value of what it is to be (and to give) respect. That means to do right, that means to speak the truth, that means to do things that you may not want to do but you do them because it is the right thing to do, because it is the honourable thing to do. Look people in the eyes, and truly LISTEN to them....respect them enough to know that they are human, just like you. Respect it. This my friends, is NOT an easy task..especially being the takers we humans are....but it is a good one. I myself have a long way to go with this rule that I have learnt yet do not always apply.

10.) Teaching and Learning: I have learnt that we are our own teacher, as well as our own pupil. We cannot learn what it is we refuse to open our minds to. Furthermore, if we can learn it, and do learn it...it is only because it has always been there, waiting to be watered. We can be led to water, but we are the only ones who decide to drink or not...Teach yourself, and learn, from yourself.....a whole lot of "only you"'s goin around huh? I see a pattern here...I suppose because in my 25 years I have learnt, I have been taught and then taught myself, learnt and then learned of myself, that it comes down..."to me" ....everything that happens in my life, I have the choice which way to go. I can be swayed one way or the other, but it is of my own doing to put one foot in front of the other in whichever direction that should be. It is up to you what you open (and sometimes close) your mind and your being to. Teach yourself and learn from yourself.

I always wanted to learn more of photography, but my parents never supported it and I never had the money for a proper camera, so when I arrived to the college at 16, I took it upon myself to apply to be the school newspapers photographer and get familiar with a modern day digital camera.
*Circa 2006

11.) Judgement: I have learnt, at a young age....that there will ALWAYS be people ready to judge you. Especially if you shine so bright; it is a blessing to do so but at times a curse. Do not let the judgement of others dampen your spirit or light. So let it shine before all. People will judge you, hurt you, condemn you, curse you...all these things they will do to you...and all for reasons that have nothing to do with you. I have learnt that what others do to you, is what they do to themselves. What they do to you, is not your concern, because it is not about you, it is about them. The best way to battle that, I have discovered, is to continue on, and to succeed in whatever it is you do. I will never forget the way I was treated when I first moved to Japan, and again, when I came back to Hawaii for my junior year. Those kids were so mean to me...and for NO DAMN reason...and I just kept on kicking ass anyway...and you know what? They played themselves out. People love to hear the sound of their own records...let them play themselves out...it is not up to us to teach others a lesson which life is waiting to teach them already. 

Go forth, and succeed. Let other carry on judging you, but they are not God--so let them judge.
*Happiness 2012

12.) Punctuality: I have learnt that if it takes you 30 minutes to get somewhere, than you should leave with an hour to get there. It is far better to be 30 minutes early than 1 minute late...and this is because it is a matter of respect. Punctuality builds character, and shows that you are serious, that you mean well...and that you have good form. Again, I don't say this because I am great at punctuality...I say this because I am notoriously late...and though I would love to defend myself and disprove those who say it is highly arrogant to be late....I simply cannot...because what they say is true. For the most part, the reason I found myself tardy was because I was busy worrying about ME and just figured I'd be forgiven for my tardiness. Even if you feel or know you will be forgiven, it doesn't mean you should be late...that is just taking advantage of an already forgiving person or situation. To be late reflects poorly on you...and may cost you respect, it may cost you a job! (It certainly has for me!) Be on time. Again, when you respect others (and their time), you respect yourself.

13.) Society: This one is a tough one... especially in the day and age we live in. Do not be fooled by what you see, what you hear, what you've read....above all things, we are children of the earth. We are NOT a child/a being of a society...we are a being of this planet, occupied by men, who built society. As far as the raw, humanistic reality of homo sapiens....we are mammals...we eat, we shit, we sleep, we decay...what makes us extraordinary, what separates us from other mammals is that we laugh, we cry, we lie, we kill, we deceive, we give, we conquer, we fight, we love, we feel....and no law of man can ever put what it is we are at our very core, into a book, into a label, into one guide line or rule that we are to follow. THIS IS NOT to tell you to do whatever you want and forget society....if you are to live in Society...you are to adhere the rules...just as everyone else...but this IS TO SAY....do not be fooled, bamboozled, swindled, swayed...(etc). Be wise...be aware...do not let Society tell you what is real. Do not let Society tell you that you need to have or be X, Y, & Z by a certain age, by a certain time, or for certain reasons...or that you are to do things this way instead of that way. No wonder our country suffers from depression...because they have been told their whole life what they're SUPPOSED to be...what their life is supposed to be...It's supposed to be whatever it is going to be.

People suffer guilt and feelings of inadequacy because they live their life by the laws of man...by the words of man. But men, although wonderful and honourable, have also proven themselves deceitful and wicked. So call upon a greater power than man. I have been told all my life what to do with MY life...I have been told that I am worthless, I have been told I am a loser, a low-life, a shame, and these were all in conjunction to what I should be according to this Society built by man....but not by God I think. It's not that we are to just do whatever we please, but at the same time, just don't subscribe to what man is selling you...cos there is something so much greater than man, and that something is what you will have to answer to in life. Walk your own path, whatever that unfolds as....

Me, NOT fulfilling or finishing my college career, and becoming a performer instead
January 2011

14.) Pride: I have learnt that Pride truly does come before destruction. Understand that any greatness we have...that we transmit...that we create...comes from the strength of others. It is easy to fall into the comfort of praise for a job well done--but we must always give way to where and how and what we are or have become. We are great because others are great. We are great because God is great. Do not let your pride get the best of you...be proud of yourself, be proud of your work...but do not let it get the best of you, your humility...for there is always more work to do. The work on ourselves, and in our life, is never done...until we depart.

15.) Spirituality: I have learnt that I am in fact NOT an atheist. I am not saying you are wrong if you are...but it must be very very sad and very lonely to believe in nothing higher than yourself. I have been there and I will never go back--I was at the lowest and most depressed point I had ever been to, and therefore by the Grace of all things good and positive and righteous, I was pulled from that darkness. I do believe in nature...and science...but I have experienced one too many things in life that transcend science....that transcend logic and rational...that can only be explained as supernatural. Whomever or whatever you conceive that which we call "God" to be...be humbled by it. Be forever in awe of it...and know just how little you really are...and how grateful we are to be. Whatever or whomever he or she is to you, know that God is good, and God is able. I have learnt that belief makes things real.

Where I rediscovered my faith in the earth, in God...when I went back home after 5 years,
to Maui.
*March 2012

16.) Education: Knowledge is power they say. Take advantage of the education you are given--but also go forth, and educate yourself. This coincides with thinking for yourself, with traveling, with experiencing. Academics are great, in fact, if you really want to do yourself a favour in academics and in life, DO YOUR MATH!! But beyond academia, there is an education out there, amongst people, in other lands, in other places, in other situations, that no establishment, no college could ever teach you. If you want to know something, educate yourself, that is: open your mind and your heart to the education of the Universe...that is the best way to learn. Find a mentor if you can, learn from them, and take it further and educate yourself--fill in the blanks, choose to drink the water you have been lead to. Also, read. Read a lot. I have found that reading books passes the time....reading GOOD books, transcends it ;). Go out, discover--via text, and via experience.

17.) Sex: This is to be honoured, to be respected, to be cherished. To give your body to another, is to become one with another. It is not for self-esteem or reassurance. If in sex, this is what you seek, you will not only come out empty handed, but you will come out defeated...you will come out crawling on your hands in knees void of your purity, your integrity. Some people look at sex as a very open and liberating thing, a thing to just give, to receive, to just have on a whim. This may be the truth for some...but I have found that it is so much more than that...and those that feel otherwise perhaps have just never become one with another with whom they were meant to be one with. Sex IS fun... it is exciting...but it doesn't mean we are to be reckless with it.

Sex complicates things between both parties...once that line is crossed...all things become compromised. It becomes a commodity, something to possess, instead of something to share. Some relationships are held together simply because one knows to keep another around means they can have access to sex at anytime...despite the countless fights and disagreements...one may be able to see past it because of the compromise that flesh upon flesh has created. If I can urge you to do one thing for your relationship/s to come...it is to seek all other routes of the relationship...seek all other routes of intimacy, save sex. As far as saving yourself until marriage...I might be stoned for suggesting such a thing and I honestly could not tell you that I will do so with my next partner....but I do urge that you get to KNOW whom you are choosing to invest SO MUCH time in, really know them--become their friend, their partner, their confidant, and if after month/years of a relationship uncompromised, then choose wisely when it is you will give yourself to them. If you just give yourself to another, in HOPES of discovering who they are....you will not find it the way you were meant to...with pure eyes, with pure hearts, with pure intention and direction. Be still young heart, and wait. Respect the process. Respect yourself. 


18.) Saying "No.": Of the many many things I have learnt, I want to really drive home the power and the preservation in saying "NO". It is in our nature to want to please...it is EASY to be charmed by men...even women...by people in general..or to feel intimidated, and as if you have no other way out but to agree with what you would normally disagree with. I have learnt, in retrospect, that saying "no" will save you a LOT of heartache. Don't feel bad, don't be afraid....There are a few times in my life I wish I had simply said "no." Understand all words you speak, all choices you make, belong to you, it is within your power, even when you feel defenceless, to stand up and say "No, I will not", "No, I cannot", or just "No." It is not your duty to fulfill others selfish needs, NO, it is not. 

Later that morning, after hours of saying "No" (because I REALLY liked and had much love with this boy at the time) but finally saying "Yes." As you can see, my face is a mixture of awareness, excitement and the unknown and slight tinge of regret --I had to document it.
*Circa 2008.

19.) Be Present: My friends, all that has made it to this list are so very important....but the importance of being present--what PEACE and JOY I have found within it's grace. We are so easily riddled with the worries of our life...with the things we CANNOT control...with the pass we cannot fix...with the future we cannot see. What a rarity it is that we find ourselves dwelling in the here and now.

As some of you know, I attended a Vipassana retreat...for 10 days I took an oath of noble silence and observed. It was, to this day, one of the hardest things I have ever done. I pray each and every one of you may find your way to this wonderful place of meditation, and there, gather the tools of present living. The tools to discover balance in the soul and the mind. Take an hour each day, and observe....do not force, just simply act and observe. When you find your mind wandering, bring it back to the present. I am sitting in the office of the common room, typing this out to the world-- You are (fill in the blank), and reading this blog.  I am not saying it is easy...but the power of being present and the power of meditation...I swear to you, will bring you balance, will bring you peace like no other. To me, it is another form of prayer. And we already know how awesome and humbling prayer is!

These amazing children, my three little sisters who have also taught me so much about the importance
of being present. I cherish every moment I get with them...They are so incredible.
*Summer 2012

20.) Have Fun:  I have learnt NOT to take games or sports too seriously. I have been a down-right shitty loser at times...and that just SUCKS. It suuuuucks...not just for you but for EVERYONE. Just because you don't win at games, it doesn't mean you don't win at life. And reversely, just because you win at games, doesn't mean you win at life hahaha. Just have fun...Know your time, and know your place... if it's game time, have fun with it...if it's life time, be serious, get the job done but also try to have fun with it. Laughter TRULY is the best medicine....indulge. Enjoy the company of others, of movies, or music, of things that keep you light. Have it. Play games with your best mates and just enjoy yourself. Don't take the small stuff to seriously man. It's exhausting. Lighten the load, and have fun.

One of my dearest friends, Brian Marshall...who has written an awesome sauce song titled:
"Life is Better When You're Having Fun"
*My 22nd Birthday,
2010

21.)Thinking & Reflection: It is easy to listen to others, others we respect, we admire, even those who we may consider enemies...it is easy to let others do our thinking, but we MUST, for our sake, for everyones sake, think for ourselves. Your mind belongs TO YOU, so only YOU can think what it is you need to think. Do not just accept what you hear when you listen to the news, the television, the internet, your friends, your family; Listen to it, but then think upon it...meditate...and think for YOURSELF. Generate your own thoughts...question things that you are told....ponder them. Read a lot, observe a lot, learn a lot and then continue to learn by digesting all you have learnt, by running it through your own thinking filter. Think for yourself, and for YOUR own damn good. Be Self Aware....reflect upon your daily doings....take time always, to self-reflect. Accept when you are wrong...find Joy in the tough lessons you will learn, after much reflection. Although it is hard to admit when we are wrong, or in need of help or forgiveness, be honest with yourself...take an honest moral-inventory and see what you need to get rid of and what you need to stock up on. It's brutal work, but very very rewarding. Opening the third eye--what a gift!!



22.) Practice: When I was given a guitar that I begged for, at the age of 13, I thought I was just going to get it and play anything and everything. Every time I met someone who could play it well, I always asked how...and I was always given the same answer: I practice. AHHHH! I promise you though, it is difficult to be diligent in your practice...in your studies...but it builds SO MUCH character...so much strength...to stretch yourself beyond what it is you're used to doing...what a joyous feeling. I stress this because I myself need to practice more...I myself need an even stronger work ethic. We must always strive to be better; A true student's practice will never stop. It is such a joy to have a skill...no matter what that skill is...to become truly great at something that you have dedicated much time to. Gain a skill, practise much, and thus, perpetually grow. 

When I was just learning to play the guitar,
This was my first open mic with Liam's (my guitar) new paint job
*March 2010

23.) Technology/Pharmaceuticals: I have found that the less dependent we are on digital technology, mechanic technology, medical technology, the quality of life becomes real. I know that much of the technology we use on a day to day basis is here to increase our quality of life....but I have found it makes us lazy. A simple example....I have many times hand washed my clothes...a much greater feeling after hand-washing them and waiting for them to dry, and then putting it on, than it was to so numbly and almost unawares, throw them in a wash and at the sound of a buzzer, throw them in a dryer and voila! They are clean! Another example...look at the internet today...so many people do not know how to spell anymore--who needs to? We have computers that fix that for us. As for dependency on man-made chemicals--my brethren--I cannot stress enough how amazing nature is...and that all we need has been provided to us. I am not saying these advances in the medical field are not incredible...but sickness..of the body or mind...I feel can either be prevented, or fixed with diet and exercise, prayer and digging deep, reflecting and understanding; I believe this in my soul. I have been depressed, or at least, that was how I understood those feelings...and with enough mind power...enough digging, I was able to release myself of the chains that I had shackled in the first place. 

Don't be afraid to depend upon yourself...upon nature to heal you. Know that anything that helps you, will end up crippling you if you do not use it wisely. All remedies are poisons, and poisons, remedies. The Yin and the Yang. Use technology wisely! Yes, yes, use it--It's awesome-- I love it....but be able to function with out. Again, I'm not saying never use Technology or Pharmaceuticals...but...if you can help it...try your best to know how to fix or do things without it first.

Not exactly a depiction of my depression...but this was during the time I was very manic....I was very happy as I was still discovering life and growing into an adult...but I was also very angry and angsty. I am not sleeping, in fact, I was just laying when Kylie went to take a photo and I turned my face because I just hated being photographed then.
*Circa 2003

24.) Gratefulness: I find it hard to be angry, sad, depressed (etc) when I am busy being grateful. Truly. Count your blessings everyday. Wake up each day and say "THANK YOU for another day." Find your self in complete awe of the numerous things in life to be grateful for and toward. I dunno what else to say on it...speaks for itself. Give thanks. Always, and everyday.

I have two tattoos that I honestly could be without....but this is certainly not one of them.
Hallelujah, Everyday!!
*Circa 2010

25.) Begin: Whatever it is, do not wait. It is a fool who hesitates. Just do it. And do it now. This is not a race, we're not competing or comparing lives...so at whatever age, if there is something you need to do....the time is NOW! Go forth and prosper!! I have felt the weight of my hesitation, and it is NO fun. Remember that even 5 minutes toward your goal is better than NO minutes. So start...and like we said at the beginning, don't worry about the pace. Just keep on keepin' on.

Begin--Full stop. 

**I would also like to add: Do not smoke or start smoking, Do not text and drive (ya jerks!), Consider for a verrrrrry long time before you make any alterations to your body (surgery, tattoos, piercings...), DANCE, SING, Stretch, floss, and Smile!!!

Thank You, 

-V