Friday, March 21, 2014

::Pornography/Meaningless Sex: Why I Think It's Harmful::

I understand well that Pornography is a humongous market, in which (I believe), the majority of our population has ventured into, or actively remain in. It is natural to grow up in a culture that promotes, and distributes it so freely, to become curious as to what it is about.

I was 5 years old the first time I witnessed a pornographic image. Before witnessing this, I was already aware of sex and at a young age, discovered my sexuality-- but that certainly expedited things. To this day, I am a very sexual being. That isn't to say I have sex with a lot of people, on the contrary...but I am aware of myself, my body, and my sexuality. I have been told by several people throughout my life that I exude it at times. I learned at a very young age how to speak without speaking. And when as a preteen, I grew into a woman body, a task I was not meant to take on for many years...I ease of speaking silently came all the quicker.

When I became a teenager, I began to look at porn, and though it was not often-- it was often enough.

By the age of 19, and for a few years after that until I met the latest love of my life, I associated sexual promiscuity with empowerment. I eroticised complete submissiveness with being sexy. I bought into the idea that women were objects during sex and that every nasty awful action or word was to be taken in stride, and in fact, encouraged. I think many young girls have found that as well.

A young girl actually posted had this photo taken, and posted it somewhere....
and it is now forever on the internet...this breaks my heart

Mid way through my nearly 5 year on and off relationship with a man I will love and support until my dying day, I made a promise I would never have meaningless sex again. I had discovered what true love in sex was....I had discovered what sexual activity with a man I so deeply connected the CORE of my soul, felt like...and what it meant to me in every aspect of myself. One day, during the "off season", I struggled with myself and my value as a sexual being, and called up an old hook-up. My relationship with this man was NOTHING but sex. We didn't really speak, nor did we really care about one another. I never asked him how things were or the like, and he never asked me.

I called him up that day; I was, and permitted myself, my being, and my body, to be objectified in the most insensitive and unsensual manner. Almost immediately after we began, I regretted it, but felt responsible to finish the deed, or rather, have the deed finished. I had not learnt at that point to say "No."  Now I know, at 25, when I decide to engage in sexual will be because I have thought about it long and hard (pun intended). But will have been well thought out before I accept the act of allowing another human to enter my body. Just because I am sexual, does not mean I have to manifest that through sex. One can be absolutely sexy and sexual while abstaining from random or meaningless sex...You're not a winner or conquerer or some sort of vixen if you get him into bed...he wants to go there already. 

I walked out of his house, down the street and later that week, cried and became disgusted with my self for weeks to follow. I had become out of touch with my body, and my senses. I felt I had been violated-- and the worse part...was that I had done it to my own damn self.

Since then, I renewed my vow to myself to never ever ever have meaningless sex again. Never ever engage in any sexual conduct with someone I did not have a connection to aside from primitive attraction. If I could not deeply connect with the person, intellectually, spiritually, humour-wise, etc--I would not allow myself to go there. And since then, I never have, despite the many men and many chances that have been brought to my table of sexuality.

I have also vowed to never sleep with a man with whom I would never be okay procreating with. Contraceptives aside, the possible byproduct of having sex, is pregnancy. And God forbid I:

1.) carry a mans child with whom I do not intend to spend my life with (marriage or otherwise).
2.) Abort a child who I knew was a possibility for the actions I took. If ever I become pregnant through consensual sex, it is my responsibility to own up to that. (This is not a narrative on abortion-- I have no qualms with those who DO choose that route. This is for me personally). 

I found that through watching porn...I could not properly fantasise as I used to before I had viewed an array of it-- and I have a VERY wonderful, explicit imagination!! But I found myself bombarded with these images...entering my conscience, and telling me what was sexual. Most of it involved submissiveness and objectification.

I found that through porn, men have an expectation of how sex should go...or what I should look like or how I should behave...and what is okay for them to do (and not do i.e. be sensual, touch, kiss, laugh, feel connected).

I think that porn has a very very very shameful affect on society. I feel it inspires a level of aggression that should not be alongside sex. And I think it perpetuates our misogynistic, and rape culture.

I don't find masturbation a problem, whatsoever...I think it is completely natural...but porn is not at all necessary in facilitating that. If ones imagination cannot extend so far that they cannot properly find relief without pornography...then it's time they go outside, or read a book, or paint a picture. If one cannot perform such a natural act without the aid of a video or image that is so very very degrading to women...or glorifying of men and their cocks, they need help. They need a real relationship...they need laughter and comfort, they need sensuality, they need a real lovers touch.

Porn not only allows men to look at women differently, but it develops a complex with their penis. Porn not only allows women to look at themselves differently, but develops a complex with men and their penis'. It's not just the size or the motion of the's the connection. It's the human interaction that we have, by way of pornography, taken out of the equation. It has corrupted and perverted our minds, and our reality on one of the most real, mindful, emotional acts a human can take...especially a woman. A woman who is to be penetrated...a woman who lays down and allows this sex to be put inside of her.

The pen is mightier than the sword...

Women are already internal creatures, both emotionally and physically. I think it is sad when women go out and sleep with random men because they think they will find comfort, or because it's "fun" or because they find it empowering to capture a man with her body, rather than her mind....her intellect, her talents, her goals.... (Like this role model, Malala Yousafzai)

It allows men to become disconnected with a woman in that way too. She is there now to make sandwiches and lay down on command...

The argument is that a little porn is harmless. But everything we consume, be it through our mouths, our ears or our eyes....every little bit has an affect. You can't tell someone who is on a strict diet that a little piece of chocolate cake is harmless...sure, if you're willing to work out for 2 hours to erase the affect.

Imagine what more it will take to erase the affect that watching 10 minutes of porn a week, a month, a year. Something so in your face, and that solicits such a not piece of cake to be worked off in 2 hours.

If you do watch it...ask yourself why? Ask yourself how it has affected your fantasies...Sure it's created new ones, and you've probably grown accustomed to them. Isn't it a challenge to be without? Don't you feel more connected to be without? If that sort of thing is not important to you..then there is not much I can say other than I hope you find another way.

Sex is so intimate and such a passionate act...that I prefer solitude than sex with someone I barely know. Even if it is someone I am deeply connected to, I do not wish to make that a focus. Sex complicates things. It changes the dynamics...and I for one would like to know what it is like when sex is not on the table. I for one would like to keep someone around because of the person I am, and not because of what sexual satisfaction I can provide. I think fasting is a beautiful idea, and fasting from sex for a year...should provide so much more than sex with someone who is not to be my partner forever, could do.

I challenge you to reevaluate how you look/view a human, as someone who respects themselves, as a person with dignity...what does it mean to you?

Please, feel free to share your thoughts on the subject matter!

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

"Here is the truth, so now you can hate me."

"Here is the truth, so now you can hate me.” One of my favourite lines from the movie Closer...

Lately I've been going through another growths-spurt, bowing in humility of all the things I did or said in pride...learning through experience that I don't know if people understand me who I am sometimes. Usually these clarifications are done in an effort to clear the air, to shed positive light about oneself, to make certain you are being understood in the manner in which you would like to be...

This is not that post. This is rather, a post about certain truths about me you may not know, or may not know that I know...and they're some of them ugly. Among the many discriptions put upon me in my life as an entertainer and a natural extrovert (which somehow always opens the floodgates to judgement-- good and bad), these are the top 8 words used to describe my personality:

Open Minded

These are mostly wonderful words, they are not words I chose that I think people think of me...these are words of many people I have come across in my time here on earth..

And the truth is...these are all traits I aspire to be...and the other truth is, I do not always live up to these. I accept these wonderful words, and despite my reception, I continue to fall short of them, while still letting those flags wave...

I feel like a lot of the time, I would like people to see those traits in me, raised at half-mast...because it sets me up to leave no room for error. Except for being stubborn!

Here are some truths I will give to you, that may dispel my wisdom, my positivity, my humour, my confidence, my talent, my loveliness, and my open-mindedness; and I’m okay with that.

:: I speak up before I really should. I think I have all the information, and know of what I speak...but I don't a lot of the time. I jump the gun and make bad judgement calls.

:: I'm actually a snarky bitch. My love for reason, logic, and respect becomes clouded sometimes with that little hood part of me in the back of my mind, saying something to the extent of: "dis biiiiiiitch...."

:: Speaking of dis know the term "No she didn't!"....yes....yes I did. #iwentthere

:: I will suggest one behave a certain way, because that is the way *I* would. intentions are good...because these are ways that I have found work for me. When I hear someone complaining about the littlest thing, I tell them something like "just don't react, it'll pass-- in the grand scheme, it's not a big deal" and while that is constructive feedback, sometimes people don't want that. I am not one to not speak what I feel is right...but I know sometimes people just need to get it out...and I have to let that go. 

:: I struggle with people who cheat on their partners. Despite the reasoning...I have a hard time with it and it's not for me to have a hard time with.

:: The flip side is, is that when I FIRST started dating Tim, we were just getting to know one another...but we were very much "together" (It sort of just happened from the moment we met) 
About a month or so into it, an old love of mine...I mean, I had a FIRE for this man-- anyway, he invited me out after work, and I ended up kissing him. We laid together in the same bed that nite, but we just snuggled, being the boy he is, he pushed for something further and while I had always desired that with him...I could not bring myself to do anything but kiss him, and he was very respectful of that.  In the morning I told him I just couldn't...that for years I wanted him, but now I found a man that was falling madly in love with, and that I thought my budding relationship with him deserved a chance (best decision I've ever made).  That was the very first and last time I have ever done something anywhere near cheating. While I don't suffer any regret, as it was a relationship that I already had a bit of comfort in, having known this other man for years now; I do suffer a bit of guilt...even though it solidified just how much I really believed in my relationship with Tim, I hate that I let myself taint my record, over the boy who was the reason I actually met Tim. (He stood me up, and so I decided to go to a house party with a friend...and boom: TIM!)

:: Sometimes I like to get ready to Iggy Azaleas "Murda Bizness" . . . because I'm an alpha female.

::I believe in God, I love the Bible...but I will probably always listen to some rap songs that are pretty ridiculous (like Murda Bizness) ....and I like to swear. And I enjoy the ganja. (which isn't necessarily against the Bibles teachings at all, but it just doesn't seem to be popular in the Christian community).

:: I believe the Bible is an amazing book-- but I have a hard time taking it literally. God, who created this infinite world of possibilities, who created us each with all this unique expression, wants us to take ONE book literally. He wants us all to believe exactly the same way. Not when this book can be sold in stores by man. And not when I see it constantly used as a place of power and not faith. I will always live in my relationship with God....and not by the rules he may or may not have inspired for another generation of people. I will always allow the Bible to guide me though. It is my self-help and guidance book.
::I'm not literally "racist" as I don't believe that some races are superior to others, but I guess I'm a culturalist...that is to say there are some cultures I don't really like and, frankly, could name a few that I think are better. If I can be honest here.
:: Among my brown and "tan" friends, I use the term "White People Shit." ...this isn't toward white people as a a skin colour...when we say white, we mean the behaviour. I understand that if white people said "that's brown people shit" ...well..we'd be okay with that I think...but I understand that if white people said "That's black people shit"'d probably get shanked.

::Yes, I do double standards

::Yes, I think that a healthy lifestyle, self reflection,  acceptance, and having God can heal depression. I feel this personally because my way of dealing with that was taking a sharp point to my skin and cutting it open, feeling the pain, and watching myself bleed. I never been so sad in my life and I never intend to go back ever again.

:: Yes, I can shop at goodwill/bargain hunt better than you

:: I can't date a dude who loves heavy metal the way I love soul, jazz, funk, or hip hop. 

::In that same vain, I can’t date a man who is Godless. 

:: If soul music  doesn't do anything for you, chances are I won't trust you. I will base my whole judgement on wether you are trustworthy, if you don't like or enjoy soul music. #sorrynotsorry

:: Yes, I believe a woman should know how to cook and clean...not that if you don't, you're not a woman...but I think that something we should be able to accomplish (Men as well honestly).

:: Yes I think a GOOD woman cooks and cleans, and doesn't give lip to her man. That's not to say that if a man was talking shit, she should just keep quiet. But a Good woman would know to pick a GOOD strong man.

:: Reverse wise, I think a GOOD man doesn't talk down to his woman ever. He holds her when she needs comforting and puts his foot down when she is out of line. Most of all, I think he RESPECTS and ADMIRES her.

:: I feel that if you are convicted, WITH PROOF (DNA, Confession...) of raping someone, you get wiped out.

:: I feel that if you molest or rape a child, you should get wiped out.  

:: Yes, I think that being on unemployment for 2 years is bullshit. I know many people who have done it and I've loved it for them, but I don't think it is what should be allowed in our country.

:: Yes, I think that welfare should be granted for 6 months (with exceptions to extentions), and in that time, you get your shit together and find a job.

:: If you don't WANT to work for the man, you don't just get 2 years unemployment to do whatever you want. That is for YOU to fund. You find a job or you become an entrepreneur. 

:: The truth is, I believe women and men were NOT created equally. I am all for equal respect and to be all treated fairly but when it comes down to the tangible level, men are a different beast from women. Women are internally what men are externally.

:: Yes I believe that weed is a far better substance than Alcohol and should be decriminalised

:: I believe that how you view the world and other people in general, it is a reflection of self.

:: I personally, for me, would like some brown babies
:: Yes, I believe the majority of History as we know it, is bullshit. #HISstory

:: Yes, I believe that evolution exist. And I think you can believe that and God simultaneously.
:: Among all my huge and wildest dreams, being a mother, a wife and a family woman is at the top.

And these are some of my truths.
Cheers xx